Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms & to those of you who are expectant moms. I've been pondering on this day for awhile wondering how I would blog about such a meaningful experience. (Does that mean I'm addicted to blogging when I spend time considering my blogs?!) Several people sent me poems this week that have gotten my mind racing as I have thought about all of the things I love most about being a mom.
I had a wonderful day with my family. Reagan let me sleep in & then he & Will brought me breakfast in bed. After church, we had a picnic at the park together - Will lay on the quilt & laughed hysterically for most of our lunch. My boys surprised me with diamond earrings & precious cards! What a big, fun surprise!!! Will also made me a framed set of his handprints. Later, we took a long family walk & finished the day with pizza & bedtime. A good day.
I have two babies this Mother's Day- one in my arms & one in Heaven. There is an ache in my heart on Mother's Day for those women who don't yet have a baby in their arms while they so desperately yearn for one. There is an ache in my heart for those who have lost children or perhaps have a broken relationship with their child. Losing a baby kind of changed my perspective about Mother's Day. I believe we should celebrate moms but I do think for some women it can be a very difficult day- it was for me a year ago. I think my experiences have made me a different sort of mom. Some of the parenting decisions I've made are due to the fact that I had to wait a while for this baby. Whenever I feel tired or discouraged I try to remind myself that there was a time when I would have given anything to be up in the middle of the night or spending another day doing the same old things. I think maybe that is some of the good that has come from those experiences. I cherish things differently than I think I would have without the heartache of losing a baby. My experiences of losing a baby and having a baby with special needs have made me a different kind of mother and I hope a better mother than I would have been without these experiences.
I am so thankful for my mom & my mother-in-law today. They have so encouraged me this year & taught me so much about how to be a mom. I am thankful for my friends who have given endless advice, suggestions, and encouragement- everything from sleep issues to feeding issues. It's so nice to have people to journey together with as we figure this out.

I am thankful, most of all, for Will. I never knew I could feel so wonderfully, deeply in love for such a tiny being. It's such a unique sort of love. Unlike a relationship with a spouse, you don't have to do anything to work at it or keep it alive- it's just there.
I never knew I could be so sleep deprived & yet so willing to offer comfort to someone in their time of need. I never knew my arms could bring such comfort and peace. I never imagined what it would be like to sustain life with my body as I fed a baby. I never knew that at the end of the day I could accomplish nothing on my "to do" list and yet feel so satisfied. I never knew how easily I could learn to reprioitize my "to do" list. I never knew I could spend so many hours on the floor or in the rocking chair. I never knew how much I would grow to cherish those times in the middle of the night or early in the morning when Will would wake up prematurely and I could feed or rock him. What a sweet, intimate time. I never knew how hard I would be willing to work for something like a roll or a sit or a grab. I never knew how a little smile or a deep belly laugh would bring such joy to my heart that I would be racing to find the camera to record it for everyone I know to see. I never knew I would try so hard to make him smile or laugh again and again - no matter how silly I had to be - even in public. I never knew I would actually enjoy doing laundry - as long as the clothes are tiny and smell like Dreft. I never knew I could spend all day changing diapers, feeding, pumping, cleaning up, playing on the floor, changing more diapers, and dealing with a fussy baby and yet thank God for the opporunity to spend my day like that. I never knew how nice it was to always have someone around to talk to. I never knew the power of teaching someone every single thing they know- every food, every sight they see. I never knew the awe of being with someone for every new experience of their life. I never knew I could go to bed so incredibly beyond exhausted and yet so completely happy and ready to do it all over again. I never knew the joy of being able to kiss away a tear and make it all better. I never knew how much it would break my heart when I couldn't make it better... when I have to hand him over for something like surgery and I know he will hurt yet I believe it if for the best. I never knew I could run so many errands while singing; I never knew I remembered the words to so many lullabies and hymns! I never knew I could hear my baby's cries for me even in the deepest of sleep and I never knew I would be able to interpret cries- cries for sleep or for hunger or for attention or pain. I never knew how I would miss my baby when away from him and how much I would cherish our time together- so much so that we often schedule babysitters for after Will's bedtime routine just so I can be there to bathe & feed him. I never knew I would put a baby to sleep only to walk in his room a few hours later and kiss him goodnight again and whisper how much I love him... again. I never knew I would still stand over his crib to watch him sleep 8 months after he was born. I never knew how truly wonderful nap time can be! I never knew how much I would love the feeling of his little head laying down on my shoulder as he gently closes his eyes... so much so that I hate to put him down sometimes. I never knew what being a part of a miracle felt like. I never knew I would consider it an honor and privilege to be a mother of a child with unique needs. I never knew my heart could be so full that it is overflowing... now I know.