Confessions of a Planner

Hi - my name is Katie & I'm a planner. I'd like to pretend I loved living life spontaneously... but deep down, I like a plan. I like to be able to envision my future. I like to cross things off my list (sometimes I put things on the list I've already done just so I can cross them off.) Maybe it's a way of feeling in control. You'd think after the last year of our lives that I wouldn't make plans anymore. You'd think I'd learn that God always has a plan & I should let go of mine. I don't like letting go - I want to hold on really really tight.
My plans changed, again, today. I just got off the phone with Scottish Rite while working on our appointments for starting Will's prosthetics. (More on that later.)
I had it all planned out in my head... we'd go for a quick prosthetic appointment once every 2 weeks for a month (3 visits) & then it would be over. After my conversation today, I now know it can take up to 6 weeks & that we (Will & I) will need to stay in the hospital for 1-2 (likely 2) weeks for intensive therapies & fine tuning of the prosthetics. This was not my plan.
I know- I'm a stay at home mom, I should be able to drop everything & do this. I know, I have no life really outside of Will, what's the big deal. What's a little rearranging of all of his at home therapies & swimming play dates...
Well, it's a big deal to me today.
Scottish Rite is a wonderful place & I know we will enjoy our time there... but it's still a children's hospital. And I'm sorry but today I don't want to have to take my baby to another hospital. I don't want to spend the night in yet another hospital with him (although Scottish Rite actually has a nice apartment we'll use on site... not really like a hospital room... but still.) I don't want to put him through intensive therapies every day. Rationally I know it's best. Rationally I know he won't remember. Rationally I know I'd rather get his prosthetics perfect while we are in Dallas rather than coming home & having problems & having to go back. Rationally I know that it means 2 weeks of not doing dishes or cleaning house. Rationally I know it is a big step towards helping him walk & that is a dream of mine - seeing him walk.
But my heart aches this afternoon. Would someone please tell my heart how to be rational.
I don't want to sound spoiled or ungrateful. Please know I am so grateful for Scottish Rite & the opportunties there for Will. I am so grateful I can spend 2 weeks with him in Dallas in the hospital. I am so grateful Will is alive & kicking. I am grateful for the body he has. It just wasn't my plan. Most days I am fine with this new plan for my life. Today, I'm struggling - I don't want the plan to include taking my child to 2 different children's hospitals in the time span of 2 1/2 months, 5 different visits (at leaset) & up to 3 weeks of staying in those hospitals (His surgery is scheduled for the beginning of September.) I know God's plan is always better but today is one of the days I am grateful to serve a God I can question what He is doing without questioning who He is.
Today, I want to be like Will when I say no to him - I want to stick out my lower lip, hang my head, pound my chest & wail (at least I've got the crying down this afternoon.) Maybe that's it. Maybe God is telling me no to my plans & that He really has my best interest at heart as well as Will's. Maybe God is teaching me (yet again) to let go. To trust Him & His plan. To cry sometimes- I don't always have to wear my happy, "everything's fine & normal" face. Sometimes I wish His plan didn't include children's hospitals. I really hope I get this lesson this time. I hope I can become a "recovering planner."