He will do.

Have you ever thought about how a single instant can change your life forever... can change everything about your life? I suppose getting married is one of those instances, as is the birth of your first child. Losing a parent or sibling would qualify I think as one of those instances.

June 20, 2007 at around 2:30 pm was one of those moments for us. In fact, I think I can say without a doubt that our lives changed more on that day than they did the day we were married or the day Will was born or even the day I miscarried our first baby. As I've reflected over my blog entries from a year ago, I was struck by how normal everything seemed... pictures of my growing belly & the nursery... & then the "moment." In an instant, nothing would ever be the same.

June 20, 2007 was the day of our ultrasound where we learned that our baby would be born with differences. Reagan & I have been reflecting on those dark days a lot over the last several days. We often talk about how we are not the same people we are today that we were June 19, 2007. Our relationship with one another is different. Our friendships have changed, sometimes drastically. Our families have been changed. Our parenting is different than we had planned. The way we handle our finances has had to change. Our faith has changed. Nothing is the same for us. And that is not necessairly a bad thing- in many ways, these are positive changes (or at least changes that have forced us to grow.)

To be honest, I envisioned writing an eloquent post that reflected back on my blog entries from that week and how God had answered all of our prayer requests. However, I've reread & reread our entries... He answered our prayers but not always in the way we prayed. In Bible study last week, we were discussing the verse in John 14 that clearly claims that if you pray in God's name, He will do (it). I've so struggled with that verse. In Bible study, however, we realized that the "it" wasn't actually in the original text in Greek. It was put in the English to make it read clearer. So actually, it says that "He will do." Maybe the "it" doesn't seem significant to you but it was really challenging me in my faith. I believe God is constant & true. I believe scripture is infallible. So how do I reconcile those beliefs with the fact that I've prayed fervently for specific things relative to my child that haven't come to pass. Well, I reconcile it with "He will do." He may not do what I want or when I want but He will do something. And I have to cling to the belief that He will be more glorified by not granting my requests in the way I asked than He would be had He granted them. He did do.

It hurts me as I read some of my old posts. I so desperately wanted an incredible miracle- for the doctors to be wrong! Now, please hear me. I'm not saying Will is not a miracle - every child is. I also recognize that his life in particular is a miracle as we didn't know if he could live. I get that & I am forever grateful for his life. But there were a few other miracles I asked the God of miracles to do for us that He didn't do like I'd planned. But, He "did". He did do something - He gave me Will. And, again, I reaffirm that I wouldn't change his body because I believe it was what God intended for him & I believe there are things too wonderful for me to know right now in Will's future ( Job 42:3). I have to believe that.

So, to my post one year ago. This isn't easy for me. That was a very painful time & we still experience painful moments. This past year has been the best year of my life & the most difficult, by far. The italics represent something from the post in 2007 that we were praying for. I've then attempted to analyze how that prayer request has been answered.

The baby does not have wrists or hands... Actually, Will has 2 wrists & 2 hands (just differently formed)! Thank you, Jesus!

Our baby's life... He's alive & kicking! Thank you, Jesus!

There may be a toe or two... Ok, this one is hard for me. I am trusting that God is "doing" & that by not giving Will toes for me to count maybe that will make walking on his feet easier on him & the prosthetic process simpler. There are days I wish I had toes to count. Please know that I do love & kiss his little feet but I struggle with this one.

Please pray that this baby doesn't have anything else to challenge it (referring to anything besides hands & feet)... Well, Will is facing some other challenges although doctors believe they are correctible. I think I was a little naive in this request. I will try to continue to trust God to "do."

Pray that the doctors will be shocked and that the diagnosis will be wrong. Actually, the original diagnosis was wrong. And, generally speaking, the doctors are not shocked... which is a good thing. We'd rather them be confident rather than in shock as they see our child. And they continue to claim that Will will have no limits- not something a shocked doctor would say. During our pregnancy, we often saw doctors who have never seen anything like this (with the original diagnosis.) It's nice to go to Scottish Rite where this is "normal."

Please pray for no brain or cognitive damage... Thank you, Jesus! Will is developmentally right on target in several areas & ahead in other areas (socially especially!)

Only about 50 reported cases exist... As far as I know, this is true. However, I've managed to find moms in my area of kids with hand & feet differences to offer me wisdom & guidance & empathy. Other moms of kids with special needs have welcomed me & allowed me to be vulnerable with them. They have been so wonderful to me & I would otherwise have never known them or developed such intimate friendships with them. The syndromes may have different names but the emotions are often the same. Thank you, Jesus, for these moms.

Please pray for these parents to be as we deal with so many emotions. We are scared, confused, relieved to have a living baby, disappointed about some things, scared out of our minds, and desperate to protect this sweet, innocent baby from a scary, cruel world... In many ways, I would say this is still a major prayer need of ours. However, God has added "deeply joyful" to the list in describing ourselves and He has shown me that the world isn't so cruel. Yes, there are cruel people & we've had some extremely hurtful things said to us. Yes, I imagine Will will know prejudice & cruelty in a way that makes my heart hurt. But, for the most part, people have been so wonderful & loving towards Will. I took him to Wal-Mart today for the first time & I admit I was nervous. Since I had never taken him there I didn't feel very comfortable. That might sound silly to you but places I frequent often I feel more secure in taking him for some reason. As if there won't be any new faces in the crowd if it's somewhere I go often. Dumb, I know. Anyway, I'm at Wal-Mart & slightly nervous. I knew there would be lots of children there & maybe some mean people (you know how you always see people screaming at each other or at their children in a Wal-Mart - I supposed I had this tiny little fear that they would turn on my baby)... and what if someone said something or stared at Will. I was pleasantly surprised. I probably had 15 people stop to ask me how old he was & comment on how cute he is. Naturally, Mr. Social just flirted away- smiling, talking, & waving. Thank you, Jesus, for continually showing me that most people have good hearts & will love & accept my son.

Bottom line... He will do. I have learned to redefine my faith & what trust means. I have learned to continue to pray even when my prayers aren't answered the way I had hoped for. I've learned that it is okay to pray specifically for things I want... that I shouldn't offer God a "backup plan" in case He doesn't answer the prayer the way I requested. (Jesus prayed specifically in the Garden to be spared the experience of the cross... & He knew the will of God & that it would bring glory to the Father. Yet He prayed.) He will answer- maybe differently than I hoped but He will be present & He will do.