Mother's Day 2010

My Sweet Will & I (above) & below, Will kissing & hugging Ellie

The Baseball Game- to Make Ellie feel better :)

Mother's Day is somewhat bittersweet for me. I enjoy the pampering, of course, & was so thankful for my sweet R yesterday who took care of me by taking care of Will - handling the discipline, getting him dressed for church, etc. He even let me go get my nails done and have a nap - such a treat!

I loved spending time with both Ellie & Will. I read several chapters of Little House on the Prairie to Ellie last night. I cuddled both of my kids. I played baseball with Will and laughed at him.

But, I cried a lot too. I miss my first baby - whom I lost in 2006 at 11.4 weeks pregnant. I can't help but think of him on Mother's Day every year. I also know it is a painful day for my friends who so long to be pregnant and to have a baby in their arms. My heart aches for them - a whole day about being a mom & though in their hearts they may be expectant moms, they don't have the baby to show for it.

And this year, I struggled with the unknowns of my future of mothering. What will Mother's Day look like next year? Will Ellie be in my arms or will she be in Heaven? Will she be stuck to medical equipment and fighting for her life still in a hospital? How am I supposed to be 100% Mommy to both of my precious children with their vastly different needs? Will I ever have time for another pedicure once she is born? ;)

Precious Will yelled, "Happy Mother's Day" as I walked in the kitchen yesterday. He knows just how to bring smiles to my face and laughter to any situation. On our way to church, he was sad because "we forgot to cuddle" since Daddy had woken him up. I assured him there would be time later. Oh, I love my cuddler boy!

My manicurist yesterday was pregnant with a girl. I envied her excitement and fearlessness. I cried the whole way home. Not from envy - really just from fear and overwhelm and sadness - grieving the loss of "normal" I suppose. Wondering what the future holds for my precious Ells. Knowing that God loves her - but His love is not expressed in the number of days or hours we get on earth. It is not expressed in giving someone a life without pain. He can love her & yet still allow her to die or to suffer greatly.

Sweet R. When I walked in the door yesterday evening with tear stained cheeks after crying and singing Ellie's songs to her in the car, presented me with cards from both of my kids. Will had obviously dictated his to Daddy & signed his name (with a little Dad help.) It made me smile. And, then I opened one from Ellie. R had written me a letter from her. I realized that he, as a Daddy, is struggling too & hurting. I just lost it - again. Poor Will kept asking why I was crying & if I had bonked my head somehow. I reminded him that I don't like seeing my kids sick and that Ellie is really sick. I told him I was scared and sad because I love her and don't want her to hurt and be sick. He understood that and kept cradling my face saying, "Don't cry, Mommy. It's okay."

And, then he came up with a brilliant idea.

He said, "I know, Mommy! Let's play baseball! That will make you & Ellie feel better if she plays baseball." So, we did.

And the fresh air and running & laughter did make my hurt hurt a little less for awhile. And I tried to explain to Ellie her brother's love of baseball - he has high expectations for her to come out of the womb ready to play I think!

Who knew? Baseball - the great American cure for tears (at least according to my two year old!)