Hands & Feet

This is the post in which I finally write about hands and feet and I am not referring to either of my children's limb's absences or function.

The view from up here

Have you ever struggled with not hearing from God or seeing Him working? Perhaps it's a difficult marriage or a rebellious child or an ill parent. Have you tired of praying and seeking and yet not being relieved of your circumstances?

Recently, I've struggled with feeling abandoned. I know in my head that God is always present. But my soul is weary.

I know He answers every prayer - just not always in the way I pray or in the timeline I seek.

My heart is weary.

It's not that I don't celebrate my children exactly as they are or praise God for creatively creating them. I do.

It's just that the drain of doctors and impeding surgeries and major medical decisions and therapies and answering rude questions in public from those who notice a disability instead of a child is taking a toll.

And so a few days ago, I told Him I was feeling abandoned. I told Him I understood David, the Psalmist better than ever.

I understood why David would cry out,

Long enough, God- you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head long enough. Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain...

(psalm 13 - MSG)

And then I suddenly remembered a scene.

Then Jesus went with them (His disciples) to a garden called Gethsemane and told his disciples, "Stay here while I go over there and pray." Taking along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, He plunged into an agonizing sorrow. Then He said, "This sorry is crushing my life out. Stay here and keep vigil with me." (I like how the NIV says "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.") Going a little ahead, He fell on His face, praying, "My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do You want? When He came back to His disciples, He found them sound asleep. He said to Peter, "Can't you stick it out with me a single hour?..." He then left them a second time... When He came back, He again found them sound asleep. They simply couldn't keep their eyes open. This time He let them sleep on and went back a third time to pray, going over the same ground one last time. when He came back the next time, He said, "Are you going to sleep on and make a night of it?" (Matt. 26:36-46, MSG)

And then, finally, this gripping scene came to mind:

From noon to three, the whole earth was dark. Around mid-afternoon, Jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?"

(Matt. 27:45-46, MSG)

And it hit me,

that is abandonment.

When Jesus took on the sins of the world, His Father turned His face.

When He asked His friends to keep a vigil as He fervently prayed, they didn't pray with or for Him or even keep their eyes open. They slept. Three times.

Jesus knew abandonment.

I am clearly not abandoned.

And as I did the dishes Sunday morning in this condo in the clouds, I felt the Lord gently, lovingly show me what an idiot I am.

A beloved idiot.

Because even though I may not always feel Him. And even though He may not respond to my prayers in the timeline I think I would prefer,

He is present.

And He has sent His hands and feet to minister to me.

He is sending people like Saint Sherry to satisfy our stomachs. She is going on 4 weeks of providing meals daily to us. And by meals, I should mention that she was in catering for years and is a fabulous gourmet cook. She brings delicious entrees and beautiful sides like stuffed tomatoes or yummy roasted sweet potatoes and every meal is loaded with fresh, organic ingredients. And, along with dinner, she often brings food for our lunches like soup and chicken salad and even breakfast casseroles, fresh fruit, and muffins made from scratch! I have no idea when she finds time as she clearly spends her days in the kitchen but she read back through my blog at one point to determine foods that Will liked! She even made him a fun soccer cake after his first soccer practice last week. Seriously, she is a saint. Plus, she has a grandson Will's age so today, she and my mom took the boys to the park to wear them out let them play while Ellie and I were at the doctor. Thank you, Sherry! You are blessing our hearts by providing healthy, delicious meals so that we don't have to think about food on our busy days. When Ellie was suddenly put in the hospital recently, R flew in to be with us and Sherry made him lunch and picked him up at the airport - having never even met him.

And there's John, her faithful delivery man. He works hard all day only to come home and find meals waiting for him to get back in his car, fight traffic and deliver to us. (And I'm guessing he finds dishes to be done and a tired wife too!)

You have blessed us more than we can say. Our stomachs thank you too! Thank you for providing meals and giving us the gift of time to rest or play with Will and not put forth the energy to plan and cook.

And there's other local friends who brought meals when we first got discharged from the hospital.

And though I may feel alone on my journey,

He has sent people to walk beside me...

sometimes quite literally.

There are friends who have travelled a long way to see us (across the state with children for some or by airplane from other states!) And friends who have brought their children to play with Will. And friends who have fresh energy to give to Will when we are so drained. And friends who come visit, even when I forget they are supposed to visit and turn off my phone to take a little nap... and yet the friend perseveres, forgives me, and comes another day (Thanks for understanding, Diann!)

And there's the friends that send loving, encouraging emails exactly when I need them. There's friends who aren't afraid to speak the truth. There are friends who have shared their own personal stories of painful life events - offering me wisdom, advice, counsel, and a shoulder to cry with. There are total strangers who comment on the blog (it still amazes me when anyone reads it - I write because it is like therapy for me - but cheaper.) There are strangers that have emailed me. This so encourages me and makes me feel less alone in our journey. There's the friends who text - at just the right moment. There's the friend who emails me random ramblings from home. I enjoy reading her emails while I nurse - just to keep up with friends and life and it feels so normal (Thanks, Maria, for keeping me up to date on life back home.)

And there's friends I know I can fall apart to. I can call anytime and they set aside their life and listen to me or let me cry or vent my frustrations and fears.

They acknowledge that this is hard. They don't minimize what we are experiencing. They recognize that our situation is unique and that there is a wide spectrum of emotions we deal with.

They meet me where I am at. And they help pick me back up.

They encourage my heart in so many ways, whether or not they are even aware of how perfect their timing often is.

And they love my children.

And they have prayed with me that my children will grow and live to be friends with their own children.

How thankful I am.

And our parents, our children's grandparents. We couldn't do this without their support. And it's not short term. Our children will face challenges their entire lives. We are so very thankful for their unending support and flexibility to be available to live here during the week and help us.

And when I am overwhelmed, He has sent His hands and feet in the medical field.

There's family friends like Dr. Rick or Dr. Mike. They provide me with frequent "translations" of medical jargon. I know I can email or call them with my numerous questions. I am so thankful for their expertise and experience in helping me navigate the medical field.

And when I don't even know what my needs may be, He sends His hands and feet to provide in ways I never imagined.

And there is the friend, EJ, far away who thought to send a newspaper from the day Ellie was born - who knew we would be so consumed with seeing her alive that we might not think to pick up a paper to remember headlines by.

There are old friends and new friends and friends I've never met who have sent precious gifts - gifts that celebrate her birth.

There are the activities sent for Will to keep him busy while I nurse or do therapy or we sit in doctor's waiting rooms with Ellie.

There are the relatives who are often more like friends who have faithfully sent us airline gift cards for months... and who always manage to creatively give them for some random holiday in any given month! These are a huge help with our overwhelming travel expenses.

There's the other new friend, also met on the blog, who is on a similar journey with a baby and, though we have never met, I am often so encouraged by her emails - it makes the road less lonely.

There's Laura & Caroline, who have opened their home up numerous times to keep Will while I have endured long doctors appointments - both in my pregnancy and since Ellie's birth. And she lets me vent and cry freely when I need to. She's also like my own personal Dallas tour guide who I go to with all my local questions!

And there is the sunday school class from a church that we don't even attend who sent us visa gift cards to help with our expenses.

And there is the church in a town we've never heard of that has sent us prayer cards to let us know someone is praying for us.

And there's the pastor, from a church we don't belong to, that came to the hospital on Ellie's birth day to pray with us.

There's flowers that have arrived - helping us remember to celebrate.

There's meals that have come from other towns - frozen already so that we don't spend time planning meals or cooking but can spend time at doctors or resting or doing therapy or just trying to enjoy my children. There's another caterer back home, Jeri, that sent yummy frozen meals.

There's the friend who has already selflessly offered to be available to help me when I get home for our three week break and begin doing life again - plus therapies for everyone. (Minus me - I just get to blog for my therapy.) Thank you, Cami, I'm counting on you!

There are the friends who check on our home. There is the family who for weeks got our mail and made sure our bills got to us here in Dallas. Thank you, Kim!

There is the petsitter who generously is providing free care for our cat. Thank you, Reesa!

There's the neighbors and dear friends who provide R a homemade meal every Tuesday night - which besides filling his stomach, forces him to leave his office at a decent hour and spend some time with people. We are indebted for so much, Beards- you have gone way above and beyond being a good neighbor.

There are the families who have opened their homes for our high-maintenance beloved golden retriever.

There are the friends who have watered our flowers daily in the hot Texas sun. Thank you, Stevie.

There is the family on the east coast who sent us a surprise check to help with our many extra expenses. Thank you!

There's the family that has loaned us a condo to live in here while we are getting treatments for Ellie. We have been able to set up a "home away from home" for Will - to have several bedrooms and bathrooms and a living area so that we can make a home- space we would not have had in a hotel or a Ronald McDonald House. And they are providing it to us for free! Thank you, Jane, for giving us a home here!

There's a soccer coach that threw my check onto my dashboard and insisted on letting Will play for free while we are in town as he realizes we are under such stressful circumstances.

There are people praying when we run out of words to do so ourselves.

There are people doing so many creative things to help us or love us. There are too many to name and count. We are thankful for each of you.

We are not abandoned.

He has sent us His hands and feet in so many forms.

We are humbled by how so many have invested in our children, our marriage, and our lives.

Thank you for finding such practical ways to serve us.

Thank you for thinking of things we would never have thought to ask for or even have known we would need.

Thank you for encouraging our hearts with your texts, calls, letters, emails, and comments.

Thank you for visiting.

Thank you for lifting us up when we couldn't do it ourselves.

Thank you for giving us grace when we have nothing to offer you.

Thank you for helping to bear our daily, practical burdens so that we can celebrate our children.

You have taught us so much about generosity and servanthood.

Thank you for using your time, talents, and money to serve us.

Thank you for being His hands and feet.

And, so, he gently reminded me of exactly how not abandoned I am. The Lord has been faithful and He will be again.

Because even when I don't understand His methods or His timeline, I am never alone. He has surrounded me daily with someone, somewhere to serve me in some capacity, to love me, and to walk beside me.

How quickly I was humbled.