10.08.2010

Torture

Dear Sweet Ellie girl-

Please forgive me. I hate torturing you throughout the day with your therapies. I hate how it hurts you to dress you when I have to pull your arms through sleeves. I hate how it hurts your hips to change your diapers - & yet you hate a wet diaper. I hate hate hate taking the tape off your precious legs and feet. I hate our blunt edge scissors - I know they are safe but I still get so nervous. I hate covering up your pretty legs and feet with tape and splints and casts. I hate how bathtime, which you love, is followed with more torture.
I promise we are doing this because we love you and want to give you the opportunity to walk. Sometimes, I wish I had a poster reminding me of that hanging in front of me as I take your casts or tape off. I can't tell you how often the word, "walking," runs through my brain as an answer to why.
Tonight, you cried real tears. I know it must hurt and I hate that it is my eyes you look into as you hurt - I'm supposed to be the one who offers you food and comfort.
And I cause you pain every single day.
I am so sorry, my love.
I want you to be able to walk. I want to be able to offer you as much independence as possible. I love you more than you can ever imagine and it breaks my heart every time I hear you scream in pain.
I'm sorry.

Love,

Mommy

ps- Unlike your big brother, I have a feeling you will abhor all forms of bandaids someday!

2 thoughts:

Julia said...

This morning I was dressing Aaron as he was sitting on the potty seat. We were laughing and I was happily putting his pants on when he lost his balance and went over backward onto the hard tiled shower ledge. He screamed and cried for 15 minutes and I held him, crying myself in bitterness, sorrow and rage. For six years this little guy has NOT had therapy, care or loving hands helping him to do so many basic things. He can't dress himself, he walks on his toes, his elbows don't bend, his hands are completely useless. I would give anything to rewind time and give him the therapies he desperately needed when he was Ellie's age. It tears my heart up. I know you are struggling with her therapies but I REJOICE that she has a parent who did not leave her at the hospital. I REJOICE that her Mommy cares enough to cry as she bends and moves her little arms and legs so that she won't pitch over backwards, helpless and fragile at the age of six. Hang in there - cry with her - but Rejoice too - SHE IS LOVED!! How absolutely amazing is that thought!

I love your heart - I love your posts. I love reading what SHOULD have happened to precious Aaron because even though it didn't happen for him - it gives me joy to know that it is happening for Ellie.

23weeks said...

Metal eye clamps, over and over… and I know just how to hold him down so he can not move. It breaks my heart, but what if I don’t give him the chance to regain the vision that he has lost. Everyone tells me he will not remember it, but I will never forget it. Thank you again and again for your posts, and I am so sorry for the pain.

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