Sick to my Stomach

Today is Will's 4th birthday.

Today Will starts Pre-K.

I am a wreck.  Seriously, I've been nauseated every time I think about it for weeks.

He is beside himself with excitement - at 11pm last night he was calling out to me that he was too excited to sleep!  Starting school, turning 4, & knowing that when he is 4 he is allowed to chew bubblegum... it's just too much for him.  He also asked for one more cuddle and for me to sing him his songs.  How could I resist?  And I threw in a short Shel Silverstein poem for fun.  Because you only turn 4 once.  He gives the best hugs in the world.

I said he had to at least rest because he hadn't "turned" & he would need his energy to do so.

And I wished him sweet bubblegum dreams.

I know he will do great in pre-K.  I'm going to take cupcakes for his birthday and also I'm going to read all of the pre-K  classes a book I wrote about Will and about his differences and the terms we use and how he is really more like them than he is different.  I want them to know they can ask me questions and that he can do everything they can.  (I'll share more about this soon.)

But, I worry.  What if there is a bully?  What if they grab him to "examine" him?  What if some kindergardener (I'm not reading the book to them) sees him and causes problems?   What if the teacher doesn't see someone teasing him or whispering or whatever because she is just one woman and there's 9 kids?  I'm so used to being nearby - even if I don't intervene because I am trying to step back and let him figure it out for himself,  at least I'm nearby observing and now I just have to trust.  What if he has so much fun that he would rather be there than home with me?  (as long as I'm confessing my insecurities, I might as well be honest!)
What if I find that I enjoy a few hours a week with just one child?

Why do we have to send our kids to school so young - can't we start Pre-K around age 8 and let them go from 8-18?  Why 4???

I've never been away from him on his birthday.

Arrrg.  I'm crying.  Again.

If I can exit the building without vomiting I'll call it a success.

If I can leave the parking lot... a miracle.