Celebrating & Mourning

Today is the third anniversary of the day we lost our first baby. Incidentally (or perhaps not- we serve a God who seems to like symbols & has a sense of irony) Will's due date fell on the first anniversary of the day we lost our first baby. We released white balloons & shared his story (briefly) with Will. We told him that he has a big brother (or possibly a sister- we don't know I just always felt it was a boy) in Heaven that someday he will play with. Will was more interested in letting balloons go & watching them in the sky. That's ok with me. I just want to make sure that as he grows older, he knows he is our first born but he is not our first baby. It is important to me that our first always have a place in our family, even if he (or she) is not here.

I struggle during this week. I have no idea if this is common for other mothers who have experienced miscarriage but I really struggle. For those of you in this club along with me (the club none of us ever imagines we'll be a part of, never want to join, & somehow find ourselves in), how do you handle this?

My struggle is in the fact that I spend so much of the week celebrating Will's birth but there is a part of my heart that mourns this week. I mourn the loss of a life & the loss of a dream for my first baby. I cared for that baby & carried him under my heart for 11 weeks and 4 days. I told everyone about his existence. I knew no fear- just sheer exhilaration & joy. I don't think I will ever experience that kind of pregnancy again - there is now fear for me in carrying a child.

My paradox that I struggle with is that in celebrating Will's birth, I have to acknowledge that had that first baby survived, Will would not have been born. So by celebrating Will, there is a part of my heart that feels as though I am betraying my first baby. I have so much crazy love for Will - so much admiration & joy from being his mom. I don't regret him at all. But, is that betraying my first? On the flip side, if I allow myself to feel guilty as if I am betraying my first baby, then I also feel as though I am betraying Will - he is my first born - he is the one who is here in my arms.

So that's my struggle & my paradox this week. I celebrate with everything in me Will's birth- his survival to this point of life. (Given that there was a 30% chance he wouldn't survive birth & a chance he wouldn't survive past 6 weeks old, I think celebrating is in order for our two year old!) But, there is a piece of my heart that grieves- that misses never holding or rocking or knowing my first baby this side of heaven. I don't know if there is an answer to my struggle. I think I'll just choose to continue celebrating Will but I will allow myself today to miss our first. I will always have a place for him in my heart. I don't regret either of my babies- even if I only cared for one for 11 weeks and 4 days. I have had the opportunity to love two babies with all of my heart. I suppose that makes me really blessed.

So, today, we miss you & we love you & we look forward to all playing with you in heaven, sweet boy (or girl.)