The Circus

Sometimes I feel like I am a circus performer- the kind who walks on the tightrope high above her audience. I feel like I am often caught in a balancing act as Will's mommy. I haven't yet figured out how to stay on the high wire. I know Who is waiting to catch me - He always does every time I fall. But, I really hate the falling part. Though His arms are waiting - the fall itself hurts - it sends my stomach plummeting & I cry & my heart breaks. And then He gently catches me, holds me, & places me back up on that stupid high wire and I start all over.

Recently, R was out of town & I decided to take Will on some Mommy dates. I love my dates with Will - I spend time with just him - no friends invited & listen & talk to him & play with him. Someday, he will probably not want to date his mommy - this is a precious time.
On our Mommy date last weekend, we went on a walk & I taught him how to jump the cracks in the sidewalk. We went to a different park than our usual one and had great fun - until he got upset that the father & much older than Will son who were playing football were not inviting Will to play as well. And then I wouldn't let him jump by himself off a five foot tall sign. That resulted in a tantrum... but I digress.
Finally, I took him to one of our favorite restaurants. I told him he could actually play first (normally we eat first) since we were there pretty early for dinner time but he wanted to sit & eat. So, we ordered our food & then found a table. Almost immediately, the little girls at the table beside us noticed Will's hands & would not stop staring at him. They also would not stop doing that loud little girl whisper thing with their parents. I was torn - I found myself on the tightrope once again & desperately began my balancing act. Do I say something & try to educate them about people with differences? Do I let it go since Will doesn't seem to notice? Do I move tables to send a passive aggressive message that they are annoying me on my date? Do I throw french fries at them? Do I stare back & begin whispering loudly about them - give them a taste of their own medicine, so to speak? I felt pity for them - I guess they don't get out too much in public if they've never noticed anyone different themselves! I felt relief- relief that at least Will wasn't in shorts because if they would have noticed his prosthetics that would have given them even more to run with. I was annoyed and trying so hard to concentrate on Will despite these people literally standing in their seats to peer over our booth at Will.
But, he didn't notice, so I kept my mouth shut. I remember a doctor at Scottish Rite once warned me about keeping my issues separate from his issues. I try to take my cues from Will and if something is not bothering him or if it is not causing him discomfort or harm than I try to not make an issue out of it. For this same reason, I try not to cry in front of him about these sorts of things. He doesn't have an issue with it yet.
We finished our dinner & headed to the play area. He just recently figured out how to climb into the play area & go down the slide so it is still very exciting for us. I sat down as the only adult in the room & began watching & cheering for him. It didn't take long for some different big kids (probably about 6 or 7) to notice Will. And they noticed. And they called over more friends to gawk. And they mocked him. He remained oblivious and I remained on my tightrope... barely. As he was climbing up the play equipment at one point, he was suddenly surrounded by big kids - maybe 4 or so. They were grasping his arms and hands & examining them (which I hate) & mocking him. He was trapped and couldn't go farther. He also didn't understand mocking. Thank the Lord he doesn't understand mocking yet. Isn't that a precious thing that at some point he will lose? I then decided to intervene & plastered my circus performer smile on my face & walked over. I said to Will, "say, 'this is how God made me.'" I've found that simple answer works a lot better with preschool age kids. Bigger kids want more information. Will smiled at them & repeated my words. They looked at me like they were busted - they knew they were wrong. So, they let him through but they continued to talk about him - I could hear them from the tunnels.
I remained on my high wire. I wanted to pull him out of there and leave. But he was happy & this was our date & I wasn't going to let them have that power over us. I wanted to lecture them about all the blessings we know & how cool it is to be Will. I wanted to wring some parents' necks-oblivious to their children & obviously not teaching them about kids who are different (although, in their defense, if this weren't my life, perhaps I wouldn't have thought to consciously teach my children either.) I thought about praying for them - but my human side of me was so hurt and angry that, I confess, I made up names for the little bullies. They were not nice names either. I can't repeat them. Someone messed with my cub and this Mama Lion reacted. I know I was wrong to call them names in my head - yes, I'm immature. I was barely staying on my tightrope.
We did eventually leave to come home & watch a new movie together. I was curious as to whether or not those kids had bothered him or impacted him, he only talked about the one who hit him - not about the mocking. I am thankful he doesn't understand that yet but I so dread the day he does.
I held back my tears and my anger. Yesterday, during his nap time, it came out in the form of cleaning out both of my refrigerators. (If you know me at all, you know that this is not normal for me!)
Sometimes I feel like I perform my balancing act with well-meaning friends. Like the friend who calls to describe her baby and how he holds her hand in his tiny palm or the cute footprint art their child brings home or the fear of a bad cut on a toe and how terrible it would be if their kid lost a single toe, or the exciting, fun ultrasound when their kid kicks their feet & waves all 10 fingers clearly at them. Will I ever know the joy of a relaxed ultrasound? I barely hang on to my tightrope through these conversations - I teeter between joy for my friends and hurt feelings when it feels as though they are rubbing our losses in my face.
I am struggling today as I have felt really good for about 2 weeks - Will has an AWESOME experience coming up (will share soon!) & I am often so overwhelmed by the huge blessings and joy he brings to our lives. I know God has showered us with extra blessings. I am so thankful - even when my heart hurts for him, I know God has purposed and planned for Will. I know this. For about 2 weeks, I have felt so confident about this baby in my womb - confident that if we learn next week that there are limb differences in this precious babe as well, God will provide and protect and bless us abundantly again. In fact, this may sound crazy unless you know me or have read this blog for very long, but, quite honestly, I've found more pros to having limb differences than to not having them! (I couldn't have said that a few years ago!)
And then our date stuff happened over the weekend and I saw a future for Will that involves being bullied sometimes and mocked sometimes. And then a phone call today reminded me of our losses and the pain resurfaced of my ultrasounds with Will - when so much uncertainty remained about his life. I am so off balance & I don't think it's just my hormones.
Today, I began my fall off the high wire. I know He will catch me at some point but today I am hurting. I hate the falling part.
And I don't have any Reese's eggs on hand to make it all better. :)