I Do Not Know How I am to Pray for this Child...

There's a Sara Groves song I love entitled, "I Do Not Know How I am to Pray for this Child." I thought of it this morning & it just keeps playing in my head as it sums up exactly how I am feeling.
We've had two ultrasounds with this babe & each time I am a complete and total nervous wreck. Gone are my carefree days of pregnancy (did I ever really have that?) My initial fear is always miscarriage - I miscarried our first baby at 11.5 weeks. That was such a painful experience for us & I have walked through that pain with friends since - it is just one of the most difficult things for a mom to experience. The fear remains with me. So much so, that one day I was so sick and at the toilet (apparently this babe doesn't care for tomatoes or brushetta from Carinos!) that inbetween heaving, I was thanking God as I knew what a good sign nausea is! Unless you or a close friend or sister have experienced a miscarriage, I don't think you can truly "appreciate" the blessing of nausea!
Once the doctor finds a heartbeat, my fears transition to what syndrome they may discover. I was once very naive in that I think I assumed that because I was educated and married and took good care of myself, was in good health, ate all the rights foods and vitamins, etc, the thousands of syndromes out there simply didn't apply to me. I now know otherwise. I also used to not know about a lot of syndromes but now I know of their existence simply because I've met a child with one of them while in a hospital with Will or I've met a parent of a child with some sydnome in an online group or I've stumbled upon it while researching something for Will. It's overwhelming.
This week, the doctor pretty much ruled out 2 syndromes. They weren't particuarly syndromes we had any reason to suspect (no family history, no signs of, etc.) but he could rule them out based on the ultrasound & I took it as a victory - I take good news when I can get it & then I celebrate & throw a party!
He also informed me when I confessed my fear of the world of unknown syndromes that might apply to me that 1) many of those are not detectable prenatally- they present themselves after birth & 2) to go looking for them now would be a fishing expedition... it's just not practical & would increase my anxiety.
And then there are the limb syndromes. These I am okay with, for the most part. Although, if I get to make specific requests- things like no mouth issues & no fear of death the first 6 weeks post birth & ability to smile & even having pincher fingers would make my list. We've talked about someday adopting a child with limb differences but I suppose those talks have always been vague "someday" talks. We've met families who have adopted multiple children with limb differences - those are some supermoms! This week, I realized that my reality could include multiple children with limb differences (too early to tell on this baby so no definitive answers yet.) And, I had some moments of panic - mostly the overwhelm of double the prosthetics, double the doctors, double the surgeries, double the tears & fears, double the therapies, etc. And I had some moments of great joy - R pointed out what a great teacher Will would be!
Mostly, I struggled with how to pray. I absolutely love Will just the way he is. I see Will as complete & whole- his hands & legs & feet are just another part of him just like his curly hair and his zest for life and his great laugh. He is not less to me because he is missing parts. I love his handprints & footprints. I love how he holds onto my hands. I love watching him accomplish simple tasks & challenging tasks. I'm crazy about him! And we are teaching him that he is fearfully & wonderfully made (psalm 139.) So, how in the world could I pray for this next babe to have hands & feet and 10 fingers & 10 toes? I would feel like I was somehow saying that Will was not fearfully & wonderfully made just the way he is. I would feel as though I were somehow betraying Will & saying he is "less whole." He is not. R & I discussed this a lot last night & I pointed out to him that if I could go back to June 20, 2007, when we first began to learn about Will's syndrome, I would absolutely not change him. I am confident that I have been so over and abundantly blessed in experiences and the people we have had the opportunity to meet and even in the bonding between us & our child and in our marriage - and none of that would have necessairly happened had Will been born with 10 fingers & 10 toes. I am just convinced that as C.S. Lewis said, because my depth of pain was so great, my depth of joy is even greater. I can't even describe the incredible feeling of knowing that when my child steps or grabs or smiles or talks or colors or feeds himself or runs or rides a tryke- it is a miracle. It is a miracle. And I am his mom! God has & is fulfilling Jeremiah 33:3 in that He is showing us great & mighty things which we couldn't possibly have imagined that summer of 2007. A huge part of me wants this babe to know the blessings & victories that Will knows - it's as though I'm afraid that if they are born with hands & feet, they will feel left out of all the cool experiences & relationships Will gets to be a part of!
So, I can't justify praying for hands & feet for this baby - it just feels wrong to my heart. But, there's also a part of me that says it would be normal to want to spare your child pain & grief & challenges - so I don't want to pray intentionally that they have a syndrome that will undoubtedly bring pain & challenges. That would make me a crazy woman. This world is hard enough without adding extra challenges! (And this poor child doesn't need a crazy woman for a mom!) - Seriously, can I blame the hormones for my confusion?!?!? Perhaps those of you who have a child with some sort of difference or syndrome can relate? (Or, seriously, am I losing it?) And then I worry that if this babe doesn't have limb differences, there will be judgements and comparisons made by others between my children - & I don't want that.
Selfishly, I am fearful of doubling my stress/therapy schedule/doctor appointment schedule/etc. Selfishly, I confess that I am jealous of many of my friends (not that I don't love you guys - I just envy you - forgive me?) It took us a while to get this babe & I struggled with God big time on that one. (Somehow I managed to convince myself that surely after dealing with a miscarriage and then all the pain and challenges of the pregnancy with Will - surely He would grant a quick conception with pregnancy #3... not to be. Of course, He never promised me that - it was my own short-sightedness & desire to control my life. Seriously, you would think by now I would learn!) I've come to realize that His timing is perfect and I have to accept He is sovereign & good - even when I can't understand His ways.
Anyway, a part of me was jealous of girls this week who don't go to their doctors in fear and spend more time crying with their obgyn than anywhere else. I was jealous of couples who don't sit/lay through an ultrasound while asking bizarre questions such as, "do you see elbows? How many legs do you see? How about wrist joints?" etc - just not the norm. While thankful for our experiences & who God is growing us into, a part of me just wanted to be "blissful pregnant girl! (instead of shaking/crying crazy preggo!") By the way - God did grant us a moment of comic relief from the stress in that this babe is a gymnast- lots of fun movement during our ultrasound Wednesday! But this is "my normal" & that is okay. I am thankful that our doctor is very compassionate & thorough and patient with my endless neurotic questions.
My mom suggested last night that rather than pray specifically about this child's body - perhaps I should be praying that God prepare me for whatever this child needs. She pointed out that all children have specific, individual needs requiring special skills in their mothers. Some may have names for those needs such as a syndrome but they all have needs. Some may have very obvious needs and others are known only to their mother. Some may have special needs for a season (such as a learning delay or rebellion or a discipline issue) whereas others have needs for life. Regardless, this child God has prepared for me needs me to be prepared for him or her and their very specific needs. So, despite that I don't know how to pray for this child, I do know how to pray for myself - that God will prepare my heart & our family for this child. That He would prepare Will to be a great big brother & that He would prepare our marriage and our home and our community and our friends and our extended family to love and accept and embrace this child - exactly as they are - whatever that may be.
I love, love, LOVE that during our pregnancy with Will (& since), we have felt like so many people had invested in his life through prayer. I've met total strangers in grocery stores & airports who had read this blog or who knew someone who knew us or had heard about us in their church & had committed to praying for our baby. Wow- that is humbling. At one point, I tried to even keep track of names so that I could tell Will someday who had prayed for Him. I lost track - but God knows & we are blessed. I love that at age 2, Will has a huge community of people who have specifically prayed for him - what an investment you have made in our son - we can never thank you enough. I do want that for this baby - there is something so humbling & awe inspiring to know that others have prayed for your child. So, thank you, for praying for this baby - for investing in this tiny life- that as God forms them exactly as He intends (however that may be), that He would prepare them for our family, to meet His purposes, & that He would prepare us to parent this child. Thank you! We are blessed.

(And also that He would help relax me in this next month as I wait for our next ultrasound at 14 weeks and hopefully some more definitive answers. I think I can do okay when I know something to deal with - it's the not knowing & my imagination that are so hard in the meantime!)