Judging Me

Today, I took Will to the doctor. Our regular pediatrician is recovering from surgery so we saw a new doctor. He was not able to diagnos Will's intestinal issues but he is guessing Will may have an "intermittent blocked intestine." We are supposed to observe him & if we notice an episode like we have experienced both Sunday & Tuesday nights of this week in which his tummy is rock hard, very distended, & he has severe pain in the lower right side- accompanied by vomitting, then we are to take him to the ER. The lack of a definitive diagnosis drives me crazy!
Anyway, that is not the point of this story. It was supposed to be about me.
So, we are at the doctor & Will has done pretty well & I've really liked this doctor. Will had his doctor toys & this doctor switched with Will & let him use the real tools to look at the doctor's ears & throat & check his heart.
But then, at the end of our appointment, I suppose his curiosity got to him & he asked me what caused Will's "condition." I am very careful with my words around Will - I don't want him to hear that he "just happened." So, I carefully answered the question with what Will has & where he sees doctors & was just getting into the cool things Will can do when the doctor asked me if I took drugs while I was pregnant.
I immediately said no & kept my composure for about an hour before it hit me & I cried.
I am prideful. He hurt my pride with his judgement of me. I am thankful God made me a stubborn person who refuses to take any form of drugs while pregnant - I think that stupid stubbornness in my pregnancy with Will has served me well in that I can take comfort in knowing I did not take drugs.
But, it still hurt. I hate to be accused of giving anything less than 100% in taking care of Will - both in the womb & outside the womb.
I haven't faced a judgement like that in awhile. I know the doctor was polite & just curious as to a cause. Perhaps I should have given him our 3 geneticists' numbers - there is no known cause.
But, it hurt my pride, none the less.
I think this is a feeling that all moms of kids with special needs or challenges face - feeling judged by the world - like surely we must have done something to cause this. And it is human to want to know reasons.
It just hurts to be the object of the judgement.

coming soon - Valentine's pictures- I promise