Grief

lonely...aching...anguish...pain...hurt...anger...fury...begging...distraught...tears...ripping...

breaking...fear...crying...heaving...praying...vomit...screaming...pleading...

I can't really think of the right word to describe the pain that is grief. I hit the lowest point a few days ago - literally became sick at my stomach at the words on the screen as I read about possibilities within this new possible diagnosis for Ellie.

I ran to the restroom.

I fell to the floor.

I couldn't get up. I didn't know how to pick myself up.

I mentally scrolled through my church directory trying to come up with a name of a woman I could call to literally pick me off the floor and hold me.

I hate to disturb others' lives.

I later emailed some of those women. They've since informed me that our church has a new ministry - it's called "pick your friend up off the floor and cry and scream together ministry." I love these women. They love my Ellie.

One woman recently dropped by an Amy Grant cd. There's a song called, "Better Than a Halleujah." The first line says, "God loves a lullaby in a mother's tears in the dead of night... better than a Hallelujah sometimes." I love that. He hears the prayers of my soul even when there are only tears. Perhaps my honest groans and pleading mean more than fancy words.

I'm trying so hard to desperately pray. I fully get what the Bible means when it says He hears our groans. I know He collects every one of my tears. I imagine He's got whole shelves filled with bottles with my name on them by this point considering all three of my pregnancies! When I pray, I can't get past, "My Father." I want Him to be my Daddy - the One who makes it all better, the One who picks me up & wraps His arms around me and cries with me.

He is.

It's just sometimes hard to feel it. My brain knows He loves me & He loves Ellie & He has our best in mind... communicating that with my heart is more difficult.

He is surrounding me with others alongside me who can continually remind my heart.

I find myself visualizing what David must have felt. Did you know that David lost a son - & he begged & pleaded & fasted as he sought God to to save his child? David knows this anguish.

Sometimes as I read the Psalms, I just picture David beating on God's chest as he cries and screams.

And yet, every single time, David maintains conversation & relationship with God. Ultimately, by the end of every Psalm, he recognizes the goodness and sovereignty of the Lord.

I can picture myself wanting to just take out my frustration and grief and beat upon the Lord's chest... partly because in that picture, it means I am sitting on His lap. And then I keep envisioning and begging Him to grab my fists and just wrap His holy arms around me while I sob.

My brain knows He carries me now. My heart just needs constant reminders.

I am a packing maniac. Pollyana who lives inside me (somewhere deep inside lately) is packing for a beach trip- she's hopeful. Realistic me is packing for the hospital. I'm trying to be so prepared & think of what it takes to leave my house for potentially a long time. My bedroom currently has 4 open suitcases, laundry everywhere, lists galore, & a bag of pink blankets for Ellie. I'm so tired - awake since 3 am. Off to the hospital soon for another steroid shot & monitoring.

Please, please pray for Ellie's healing - that there would be no fluid on her abdomen (or anywhere else dangerous!) tomorrow morning at 8:30am. Thank you!