Letters from My Heart

I am often asked lately about God and faith and trust. I've been offered scriptures and platitudes. Some are helpful. Others are not. I'm relearning how to give grace - I know the speaker means well even if their words are hurtful or insensitive.

I thought I might share today what I feel like the Lord has impressed upon me during the past 5 weeks.

1. He is God. Period. Frequently, this phrase just runs through my mind like a mantra. "I am God. I am God. I am God." He is not offering me any promises past that or reassurances. Because He is God, He deserves my loyalty. Period. He never told Job why. He does not owe me explanations. His love is assured to me but I may not understand His ways. He is mysterious - I have learned this with Will and I know it to be true. I am not God and so I can not grasp His plan. I don't want to imply that He is being harsh with me in only telling me that He is God. He whispers it lovingly to me. He is holding me as He says it. The important thing to me is that He is not offering me promises past Who He is. It reminds me that He is sovereign - He is in control even when my world is spinning out of control. He is God.

2. Long before we learned Ellie was sick, I used to wonder how I would do life with two children. I imagine this is a common worry among many moms. I can remember about a week after we learned she was sick, I was lying on the couch after Will's nap cuddling with him. I used to wonder how I would cuddle two at once. Suddenly that day, it hit me. The Lord whispered to my heart, "You are cuddling two at once now." I reached down and laid my hand on my belly while my other arm encircled Will. I have often felt that gentle nudging - that I can do life now with Ellie. I'm not promised a lifetime with her. I have absolutely no idea if I will get her for years and years or if it might just be hours. But, He is continually reminding me now that I have today. And so, I have started to just enjoy my days with her.

We've really made a conscious effort to include her in our family. I've watched as perhaps the Lord is impressing this upon Will too - it's amazing how he has started including her. He plays games with her. I recently overheard him at the dinner table before I sat down having a conversation with her. He races her (which means I have to get up and race.) He plays with her now. This wasn't because we have told him he must. I think God is just really speaking to our hearts and teaching us to enjoy today. It's really all we have with any of our children - we aren't guaranteed tomorrow - even when they seem healthy or we have no reason to suspect otherwise. We are not promised our children's future. I am learning to just enjoy the day with Ellie. I'm trying to teach her mommy and girly things. I recently taught her how to fold towels - funny since I don't think I learned how to do that until I was a teenager. If I get back my interest in cooking, I'd like to teach her my favorite dishes. I've talked to her at the grocery store about picking out fruit. Will and I sing to her. I'm reading aloud to her one of my favorite books - Little House on the Prairie. In a few weeks, my mom & I are taking her to see the musical.

I don't know what our future looks like but I felt like I should stop waiting for "someday" to live life with my daughter. We're living it now and we're enjoying her now.

I've begun writing to her as well. Sometimes I may share some of my letters. Many of them feel very private between a mommy and a daughter but I want to share her with others while I have her. Her life is significant now.

So, what is God saying to me right now?

That He is God and that I can enjoy my Ellie girl now. He is loving me daily - as evident by the fact that I can get out of bed and smile and do life despite the heaviness that is my heart. Do I trust Him? Yes - because He is God. I am not putting stipulations on my trust. I am not saying that I trust Him to give me a full life with a healthy daughter - because He has not promised me that. I am praying for that because I know He is capable. But I also know His ways are not mine, His plans are greater that I can imagine and fathom, and above all, He is trustworthy because He is God - however He may choose to form our family.