'Twas the Day Before an Ultrasound

A typical day before an ultrasound or doctor's visit for me:

I'm anxious. My anxiety comes out in low patience with Will, short-tempered and more neediness of my husband, & stomach problems

I shower more. Today, I've showered three times & I just got out of the bath tub - that's right - 3 showers & a bath. I read to Ellie from Little House on the Prairie in the bath while I ate my ice cream. I've found this week that if I eat ice cream with chocolate in it, she moves! Sweet little flutters & rolls. I'm eating lots of ice cream & probably gaining weight by the ton. Somebody has to sacrifice. Sometimes I worry about her hearing me cry too much. I don't want her thinking her mom cries a lot. So, I figure that in the shower, she can't hear me and I can really let it out. I would say that in the past 6 weeks, my personal hygiene has really benefitted from the increased showers.

I stay very busy. I worry about crashing after the ultrasound and being unable to accomplish anything so I try to get lots done before the appointment. Poor Will - this means errands. (He experienced his final trip to Victoria's Secret today with his mom - he was a little too aware of all the "mommy" items hanging everywhere. Oh, he cracks me up!)

I'm trying to read my Bible verses but sometimes it's difficult because although God promises to carry me through the pain and walk beside me, He doesn't promise relief. I kind of just want to live in fantasy world for a few hours. The reality that He doesn't promise a lack of suffering or pain is sometimes too much before an appointment.

I cheer for Ellie when I feel her move.

I try to get extra cuddling time with Will. Fortunately for me, he loves to cuddle.

I sing to Will & Ellie. I sing "Jesus Loves Will & Ellie"

I check my front porch. Some of my friends are apparently leaving me weekly gifts - often anonymously. I've gotten a hand painted canvas, a yummy breakfast food, a pirate toy for Will (whom goes everywhere with us now!), Izze drinks which I love (& which help spur Ellie to movement and therefore I will be loyal to life for) and tonight - my favorite shade of lip gloss (how did you know, whoever you are!??!?!?) & some bath stuff. They have perfect timing in dropping these off. Better than the little gifts is the knowing that my friends are thinking of us & caring for me & coming alongside me. Thank you - love you all.

I check my email & am thrilled to find an email from another mom ("heartsong" from her comments on my blog). Her baby is also facing a poor prenatal diagnosis. There's comfort in her email & a lessening of the loneliness I feel.

I read. It's how I escape. I read to Ellie. I read fiction books that have absolutely nothing to do with my life. A lady from church brought two books by today - I'm now deeply engrossed in one of them - A New Kind of Normal, by Carol Kent. When Will was diagnosed, we began referring to our odd lives of medical trips and doctors and medical expenses and therapies and prosthetics and wrist bands as "our normal" - unlike anyone else's definition of "normal." Lately, my "normal" is including Ellie's unique situation. Frankly, my normal of late exhausts and overwhelms me. But, I am loving, loving, loving this book. I highly recommend it - for anyone if any situation that is not how you thought life would look like - she covers infertility, addiction, affairs and divorce, miscarriage, birth of a disabled or fragile child, imprisonment of a child (her personal experience), and so much more.

So I am reading, lots. It keeps my mind from wandering.

I make sure I have clothes picked out. I always wonder - is this the appointment where my world will totally crash? It seems silly to think about what I wear except that I can remember what I was wearing when we first learned about Will's diagnosis. I remember it was awhile before I could wear that outfit again. Silly, I know, but I don't want to be wearing my favorite shirt. But, I do want to wear her necklace. I want to make sure I have my little pink photo album of her sonogram pictures I've collected. I want to have my little book of scriptures. It's one of the few things I can control right now - what I take with me into the doctor's office.

I make sure I have articles and pen and paper to take with me for my questions and notes.

I don't cry a lot the day before the appointment - if at all. Perhaps I am saving up the tears.

Sometimes, R & I talk about what it would be like to have a "normal" pregnancy - to be blissful and excited and happy during ultrasounds, to long for more ultrasounds than the "normal" two or three. This isn't our reality and we don't dwell on it. Our reality is that ultrasound days are exhausting - emotionally & often physically (I lay on the table a long time.) And, then I have to come home & care for Will & do life - even when I want to crash in bed. On the other hand, a part of me loves ultrasound days because I have felt the Lord nudge me during them - especially during the fetal echo part when they focus so intently on measuring things in her heart & my mind sometimes starts to wander - that I have her now. He just keeps reminding me during the appointment to enjoy every second of listening to her heart beating and watching her on the screen - it's my time with her. Sometimes I lay there and cry, I so love to look at her. I am thankful for this time, in a sense. So many women don't learn about their baby's conditions until birth or just before - they don't get these extra appointments to watch their baby and to cherish their time. I am thankful.

We are praying for reduced swelling tomorrow and no further complications.

Thank you for walking alongside us.