car seats

Any guesses as to why in the world this picture means so much to me???

When we packed our infant car seat for the trip to Dallas when I was 36 weeks pregnant with Ellie, I honestly didn't know if I would ever get this picture.
I sobbed as we put infant items in the car, wondering if I would ever use them.
Specifically, I just kept wondering how in the world my heart would ever survive if Ellie didn't survive and I had to look at an empty car seat.
(fyi - her orthopedist cleared her to ride in a regular car seat instead of a car bed. The hospital won't take back the car bed they made us buy prior to discharging Ells - anybody need one???)
After the car was packed that day, I went to her nursery to film it, just as I did prior to delivering Will. My voice is shaking I am sure on camera. I then fell to my knees- not easy at 36 weeks pregnant, and sobbed and begged God for her life next to her crib. R soon joined me and we sat in the dark in her room begging and pleading for her life.
I haven't taken her home yet to her room but I am beginning to believe I just might get to.
For months, I haven't been able to buy things at the grocery store with an expiration date after August 31 -Ellie's due date. I was too afraid of Ellie dying and knowing that if I opened up my fridge and saw milk with an expiration date after she had died, I would lose it on my kitchen floor. I can remember crying at the grocery store because I was so acutely aware of expiration dates and whether or not items would expire before or after Ellie's due date. Sometimes the fear was overpowering.

Today she is here and she is well.
She has significant challenges but she is here.
I am not guaranteed her life.
But I have her today.
I am so thankful.

4 thoughts:

Mike and Christie said...

She looks wonderful in her carseat next to Mr. Will. :)

jen said...

She looks amazing! Once again you have written something close to my heart. We know not what my Jackson's life will look like. Very little research gives us little insight into the future. Now I think I am glad for that, but the first year of his life I refused to buy things for him until absolutely necessary. I was one of those crazy people on Christmas Eve trying to buy presents and a stocking because I was afraid he would die before the could open his presents. He is three now and I don't really do that anymore. I wish I could say I never even think that but every once in a while the thought creeps in. I think it helps when I truly realized none of us is guaranteed tomorrow and worrying so much about was causing me to lose precious moments with my family. You seem ahead of the game. :)

Shana said...

Hi Katie,

First let me say A: your shower story cracked me up! and B: You have got to be my new hero. I asked Reagan to see pictures of your new little bundle of joy and he sent me your blog and I am so glad he did! I read your posts everyday to catch up on you 4 and am amazed at how strong you are taking care of Will and Ellie everyday. In my book you are a SUPER MOM! I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and you take it all in so well. Really you do! Hang in there Katie. God gave you those babies because he knew you were the perfect woman for the job!

Lisa said...

You are a BLESSED MOMMY. Keep your head up so you can turn around in that car and see TWO car seats...blessings!
lisa webb

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