9.01.2010

Mommy Date at Scottish Rite

He will not let your foot slip - He who watches over you will not slumber.... The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand;....The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121:3-8

After writing yesterday's post late last night, I got in bed and read in my Bible study the above verse. It was just what I needed - the reminder that God is faithful, that He is present. Even when I do not feel Him or see Him working, when my prayers feel as though they are falling on deaf ears, when I feel defeated and discouraged, He is present.
I don't understand His ways. I am well aware of the mysteriousness of His nature. I will not claim to feel Him working in our daily lives right now - I know He is because I know Him. But I don't always feel Him.
Regardless of my feelings, He is always present and always working for the best for Will and Ellie.
I just needed that reminder last night.


Today, we switched things up a bit for Will. During Ellie's therapy at the hospital, my mom stayed with her while I took Will "exploring." I knew I needed some alone time with him and we figured there would be plenty of people around to help me at the hospital should he fall or need to be picked up (I can't lift him for 4 more weeks! :()

We had fun playing spaceship in the x-ray waiting room...

And there was lots of fun to be had on the shadow wall


We shared popcorn and giggled a lot.
At the beginning of our Mommy Date, Will had some strong words for how he felt about me.
I held it together and calmly told him that it really hurts my feelings to hear that. He immediately told me he was very sorry and that he loves me so much. I don't think he realized the meaning of his words fully; he was testing me. I later texted my mom who suggested I remember how God loves each of us unconditionally. I reminded her that God never had post-partum hormones.
Of course I love him unconditionally but I was amazed at my ability to hold it together to tell him how much it hurt my feelings to hear his hurtful words.
He is definitely having some feelings about the transition our life is in. I think there are so many unique factors at play here - Daddy only here on the weekends, far from home, Mommy having to spend extra time with Ellie - besides feeding 8 times a day, there's therapy time at home plus therapy time at the hospital three times a week and pedi appointments every week too. It has got to be confusing that I can hold the baby and feed her but am unable to hold him like I used to. (Darn c-section recovery!) And I imagine he picks up on our stress regarding Ellie. It's such a bizarre situation on so many levels.
With the exception of my weekly prenatal appointments, I really used to devote all my time to Will. Suddenly, he is not only sharing me with his new baby sister but I am taking her places without him (or dragging him along.)
Actually, when I consider all that is going on in our life, I think Will is handling things quite well. He is only three (barely!) and this is a lot to handle at his age. We are trying to keep routine and consistency in place for him - making sure he knows that home is wherever Mommy and Daddy are, that we still have the basic schedule every day, that there are still rules and consequences, and that we love him.
He actually has a very tender heart. I truly think he was testing me today and trying to express some feelings. The way he seemed so immediately remorseful made me feel like he wasn't trying to hurt me - he didn't realize the power of his words. I have no idea where he would have even heard such a thing. It hurt but I recognize that he is 3 and immature and may not fully know how to express all that he is feeling.
Thankfully, he continues to adore Caroline Ellie Ellie Grace and he has only been taking out his feelings on me.
Also, thankfully, after that one incident early on in our date this morning, he warmed back up to me and we had a lot of fun together.

I love spending time at Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children. (See our website at www.wheretheresawillrace.blogspot.com to learn how to join our team and benefit TSRHC!)
I love how normal I feel there. No one stares at my children with their prosthetics and hand differences and splints and tape on. No one asks questions or comments. Every other mom there is somehow in my world or a similar one. The doctors and nurses and therapists and staff don't stare - they see kids with all kinds of differences all day long. I feel such hope when I am there and it feels so nice to just be another mommy with my kids- to just be normal.

When I woke Will up from his afternoon nap today, I cuddled him for awhile. Then, I began to tell him each part of him that I love so much - tickling that part as I went. He hasn't voiced any concerns over Ellie's hands and feet yet but I have wondered how he feels about his differences in light of having a sister with hands and feet.
I really want to affirm him and how much I love his hands and feet and everything about him. Then we cuddled for a long time and read stories.
I love my sweet boy - I so wish I could hold him and that he would know my heart - despite all the time I have to spend with Ellie that I love him so much.

3 thoughts:

Starla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Starla said...

You are doing such a good job, Katie. These days are hard, but they will not always be this hard. I am praying for you each time I think of you. Last night I prayed for your entire family and then read your blog this morning knowing that God had prompted many others to pray for your family. Some of those are good friends and some don't know you well at all. Be encouraged by this.

Mike and Christie said...

You son is so adorable. It is so special to get to have time, when life is so busy. We are holding you up in our prayers as a family.
Have a restful day!

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