a day

Sometimes, I think I can't do this.  I'm not adequate for what my children need.  I'm not strong enough or energetic enough.

Today's appointments were brutal.  I took both kids to Children's Hospital for 9 am appointments.  I was interested in getting a second opinion on treatments for Ellie & a third opinion on a possible surgery for Will.  We had a picnic playdate scheduled for afterwards and then Ellie's therapy early this afternoon.

I thought the appointment surely wouldn't take over an hour an a half.  I had one diaper and no toys (other than my itouch loaded with movies and games for Will.)  I had no food for Will.

Naive mommy that I am, I was completely unprepared.  The pollyanna who lives inside me is always so darn optimistic.

At the beginning of the appointment, the pa said they wanted x-rays of both kids.  I politely but firmly said no as I try to limit the amount of radiation they are exposed to.  I attempted to get another hospital to fax over Will's images but hit a brick wall.

Ultimately, I had to do x-rays.  I realize that the amount of radiation in a limb x-ray is minor- about the equivalent of flying in an airplane (which we've not done in a while  - surprisingly - Will keeps saying he misses flying!)  

Will went first & did awesome.  They let him sit in my lap & he didn't shed a tear.  I was so proud of him.  He was so polite to the doctor too - shaking his hand & saying, "Nice to meet you."  In the car on the way home, without prompting, he announced, "I really like Dr. Cheng - I like him a lot!"
Ellie, on the other hand, screamed horribly.  I think the positions they had to put her in to get the x-rays caused her great pain.  I cried as I sang and tried to comfort her.  My mom could hear the screaming way down the hall in the waiting area (Ellie's screams, not mine) & took Will to a different part of the hospital so he wouldn't hear his baby sister.
I hate hearing my baby scream in pain.  I tell her over and over I am sorry.  I am sorry for causing her pain.  I want to be able to offer her independence someday.  That's what I keep reminding myself.

Unbeknownst to me, my mom snapped this lovely picture of Ellie & I.  I considered not posting it but I think it does a good job of showing how tired  I look on stressful days!  I was so excited this morning as Ellie has slept all night for the third night in a row and maybe my shadows & bags under my eyes were fading.  Not so much.  If you see me in real life, don't stare at the dark shadows.  I'll be so self-concious.  

Needless to say, we're tired girls!

Will did great and was very polite and respectful of the doctor.  My mom found this paratrooper soldier in her purse which was a lifesaver!  

She also found a vending machine & Will had his first lunchable since I didn't bring lunches.

The appointment was good.  It lasted nearly 6 hours.  We are exhausted.  I am in information overload.  It's a lot to process.  We have some decisions to make for both kids.  I was able to finally get answers to many of my questions and feel like I have a better understanding of some significant issues.  

It was a good appointment.  At the same time, it was hard.  It's hard to go through the medical history on each of my kids with a new team.  It's hard to manage children, feeding times, and naps while also trying to have an intelligent decision with doctors and therapists.  

It was just grueling.

And tomorrow is surgery day.  And Will has his 6 month check up with his orthopedic lowers doctor.  Another long day ahead of us.

I just took off her tape and splints to take my last bath with her for the next three weeks.  After surgery, she will be in hard casts and so unable to take baths.  

Will prayed at bedtime for his baby sister and her surgery tomorrow.

And we danced.  Will went to the park this evening with his friend Rob and Lovie & Ellie & I danced.  I turned up her lullabies, I enjoyed the views of the trees changing colors out our window of the condo in the clouds, and I danced with my baby girl.  I cried.  I sobbed.  I just needed some time today to hold my baby and to pour out my heart to God.  Honestly, I feel like I hardly use words with Him anymore.  I just groan and cry in so many of my prayers.

It's just one of those days.

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