the talk... again & again

There are certain things that just about kill me.

Will joined a soccer team in our new town and had his first practice this week.  His first game is early tomorrow morning.

Anytime we are around new kids, there are inevitable questions/comments/stares.  This happens in any new place (soccer, birthday parties, preschool, new churches, restaurant play areas like at Chick Fil A, etc.)  We accept this as natural curiosity & do our best to answer questions while also making sure Will is able to participate (as opposed to spending the entire time answering questions or dealing with starers.)  As he has gotten older, we are trying to step back and allow him to answer questions and handle his peers.  He does a great job. Sometimes it seems to bother him and other times it just rolls off of him.

We've had a rough time with preschool this year. 

We had a very rough time at soccer this week. (At least R & I did.  Will seemed fine.)  I stood on the sidelines and cried as I watched one little kid in particular run around Will staring the whole time while Will just kept trying to hit the ball (which he did great at.)  Hopefully the game will go better.

New situations are always hard.

It just makes me want to escape with my little family to a private island & go all Swiss Family Robinson.

This week, Will asked us when he would grow another finger.

I honestly answered him but it broke my heart as I feel we are heading into a new phase.

I'm hoping he blows them away tomorrow with his mad dribbling & shooting goals skills.  The kid can play some soccer!

Ellie snuggling in on Dr. R.

Yesterday,  we continued  house hunting & had Ellie's first pediatrician appointment here (6 month well check with Dr. R - a good family friend I've known for nearly 30 years & who has unofficially been working with us to find the best treatments and doctors for our kids since my pregnancies and who has prayed over our babies and who came over for dinner last night & rocked Ellie to sleep.)  My kids love Dr. R. & we are so excited that he is now going to be their official pediatrician!  Anyway, that appointment went great - no wait (yahoooo) & he actually has 2 nurses in his office that run a "special needs clinic!"  They devote their time to coordinating therapies & doctors and treatments for kids in their special needs clinic - how amazing is that!  Next week, they've organized a lunch for moms of kids with special needs at a local restaurant and in April, they've put together a big family picnic for special needs families at a local camp!  How cool is that?  Of course, in a spica cast, Ellie couldn't get shots or even really be accurately weighed or measured but it was good to catch his team up on her history and learn about all they have to offer.

And then, my mom & I took the kids to a new big grocery store that opened up yesterday.  It was fun to  see the new store full of organic and exotic and fresh foods (is this a sign that I am a 30 something mom when grocery store openings excite me?)  and to see some old friends and meet some new ones.

On the way home, Will asked the big question.  The one I've dreaded for almost four years.

 What I want to do (selfishly) is to whisk my children away to a private island and never have to deal with curious or sometimes rude children.

That's not an option and wouldn't be best for them.

I know.

It's just my heart can hardly take statements like this,

"I want to have fingers like everyone else."

I've known for years it is coming.

I was completely unprepared.

My heart wants to make everything allright for my little boy and I can't.

And I don't always understand why things are the way they are.

I believe God created him purposely.  I believe God created him and will receive glory for Will's story.

But I don't understand all the whys.

Thank God it was dark and the darkness hid my tears.

I could tell my mom in the passenger seat was also crying.

After a moment, I told him how much I loved his body and that God made his fingers and his hands and that I don't know why He made him the way He did but I know He made him special and perfectly.  And I told him it is okay to want that because I don't want to be too pollyanna or to minimize his feelings.  I don't want him to think that Mommy downplays or sugarcoats his feelings and therefore to not feel safe verbalizing his thoughts to me.

And when we walked in the door, I pulled R into our bedroom and sobbed.

And then Ellie, who started antibiotics for an ear infection, had major diarrhea.  And it was a disaster that required a great deal of effort to clean in her spica cast.

I'm exhausted.

But I'm still working on thankfulness so I am thankful for my mom in the car beside me to hug me as she knows my heart is breaking and I am thankful for a little boy who says his thoughts out loud and I am thankful for leopard and zebra tape for Ellie's spica which makes me smile even in the midst of a cast care overhaul and I am thankful for the hot shower I am about to climb into where I can freely cry.

And I'm also sad that today came.  I knew it would come.  Every book I've read by someone with limb differences and every mom I've ever spoken to me has warned me.  I knew it would come.

I didn't know it would come today.

It feels like we crossed over into a new phase today and nobody asked me if I was ready for this next phase.

I'm not.  

I'm not ready.