Today

I am missing holding my baby's body.  I'm thankful I can cuddle her but I miss the feel of her body.  I'm tired of holding a hard cast.

I miss bathing her.

I'm exhausted from too many nights up for cast care and then being unable to console her.

I'm feeling guilt for putting Will in front of PBS this morning so I could catch some sleep after a long, sleepless night with Ellie.

I miss being able to put her in an upright, seated position - in her bouncer, in a bumbo, in a high chair, in an exersaucer, anything.

I miss putting her in pajamas.

I'm tired of family meals spent with Ellie straddling my leg (or someone else's leg) instead of in a high chair.

I'm tired of planning outings with her based on weather - if it's too hot, she can't be out for long.

I'm tired of people questioning me about whether I dropped her or she fell.

I'm tired of thinking about blood clots and strokes in the back of my head all the time because of her immobility.  (Not a big risk but it's why she takes folic acid while immobile in a cast.)

I miss rubbing her back without the constraints of a cast.

I miss cast cooling her.

I miss just being and not having to think about how anything might affect the cast.  Today, I was taking pictures of the kids across the street and it began to rain.  I was casually carrying Ellie home and suddenly remembered she can't get her cast wet & had to quickly hurry.  I want to enjoy a rain shower with her.

I miss easily nursing her in bed.  Or easily nursing her period.

I miss nursing her wherever and not being so dependent on a boppy or pillows.

I miss exercising regularly.  After Christmas, we began to quarantine Ellie for surgery so I didn't take her to the gym nursery.  It was too cold pre-surgery to exercise outside with her.  And post surgery, she hasn't fit in the jogger stroller and so, unless I have childcare, I can't really exercise regularly.   I actually miss it.  Recently, my mom did keep her so I could go on a long walk with Will & a friend - it's amazing what fresh air and exercise did for my mental and emotional state!  I miss easily being able to go for a run or walk.

I miss simple diaper changes.

I miss watching her roll over.

I hate watching her struggle to sit up and be unable to.

I wonder if she has leg rolls yet.

I wonder if she has major tan lines.

I'm thankful for the healing I know the cast helps with.  I just miss her little body.