Cranky & HOLY MOLY! I have issues.

Apparently, I have issues. Maybe I need to add "therapy for mommy" to our list of therapies! :)

I was really cranky yesterday (Sunday). I mean really cranky. Thankfully, I have a great group of moms to confide in at my mom's group who don't judge me, don't offer advice when I need comfort, & basically let me be cranky last night - thank you, friends!

I also ate a Reeses egg (or 2) yesterday which I took Will after naptime to get at the store.

So, maybe the crankiness was due in part to PMS...

Also, God didn't make me to sleep less than 8 hours/night. Thanks to the weekend of asthma fun( see below post), I haven't been getting good sleep (sorry - I know some of you feeding newborns night after night after night don't feel very sorry for me.)

But, there was a little validity I think to some of the crankiness.

R & I discussed some life issues yesterday afternoon & basically, I was just tired yesterday. I'm tired of therapies... constantly.

I'm tired of checking my calendar daily & planning life around therapy schedules.

I'm tired of doctor's appointments & insurance company, & paying medical bills.

I'm tired of researching new therapies, new technologies, new procedures. And I'm tired of hearing that he is not a candidate for most of them. And the ones he is a candidate for are often really expensive or not covered under our insurance or if you make make more than $20/year.

I'm tired of dreading doctor's appointments & the what ifs.

I'm tired of searching on the internet for someone, anyone with Will's syndrome.

I'm tired of trying to figure out how to contact said person above, without feeling like a stalker.

I'm tired because I recognize that Will will always have challenges. Just as soon as he conquers one thing (like getting up on his own as of last Tuesday - YAHOOOOO!), we're off & working towards another goal - there is ALWAYS something to work on & it seems there always will be. And, I'm tired of working on so many things at once- feet, hands, speaking. And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of dealing with kids' questions & comments about Will's body - even though I don't fault them & I recognize that their curiosity is normal ... but I'm tired of it. I'm even tired of my responses that I've memorized & seem to apply to every question a kid asks... "That's how God made him... how many fingers do you have? 10? - oh... Will has 3 because that is how God made him..."

I'm tired of washing his prosthetics constantly because he plays outside & they get filthy & sweaty & unlike a leg that you can wash in the bath, part of the prosthetic has to be washed in the machine, part in the sink, & then they take all night to dry & yet they still have sweat stains. And a new hole in the brand new neoprene sleeves I put on that are somewhat difficult to put on & off.

I'm tired of worrying & wondering.

Yesterday, I was just tired of being different- even though I wholeheartedly believe God has blessed us extra & I wouldn't trade those blessings for anything.

And then, I felt really guilty (maybe there's an Italian mother lurking inside me?)

I felt guilty for feeling tired. I'm a mom - we're not allowed to be tired, are we?

I felt guilty for even thinking the above thoughts- because surely a really good (aka Supermom) wouldn't feel so tired or if she did, she would never say them out loud to friends or post on her blog about them.

I feel guilty because I have been on my knees begging God for Will's life- how dare I have a pity party for myself or feel tired?

I felt guilty because, of course, I am so grateful for Will's life- having not known if he could survive, hand & feet differences are really no big deal... except that they are a big deal - just not as big a deal as death.

I feel guilty for complaining - I don't want to complain. I am really happy - Will is a blast & I love spending my life being his mom right now.

I am so thankful for his life. I am so thankful for his personality & his brain & his hands and his feet. I am thankful.

I'm just a little cranky too. (Or I was yesterday.)

Fortunately, Will suggested lots of games of "get you" today (Will speak for "get me/chase me") which even grumpy old men couldn't stay cranky through. His laughter makes me so happy!

And also, a Reeses egg does too. (As long as I'm being so honest.)


And, then, "HOLY MOLY!"

This afternoon, Will & I were outside in the front yard when a neighbor walked by with his new puppy, his granddaughter (age 4) & his son (age 7 or 8). Will was quite happy to pet the new doggie. The son yelled, "Holy Moly! Look at his hands!" (As if we weren't standing right there or aware of Will's hands or humans with feelings for that matter.)
And I gave my typical, memorized response so that I didn't even have to clearly think ... " It's just how God made him." Which, in retrospect, he wasn't even asking me why - he was just making a lovely, loud exclamation - as if Will couldn't hear or wasn't a human being with feelings. I get really tired of people staring or making comments as if Will & I don't hear or notice.

His dad started to make a comment to him but he had quickly run away, following Will, where he then made another loud, obnoxious comment about Will's hands.

Later, on their return down our street, he again made a third obnoxious comment.

Seriously. Are you kidding me? Aren't you proud of me for not whisking my child away inside the house while enduring the comments?

I couldn't even respond appropriately mostly because I am a wimp - I'm afraid of confrontation with people I know. Had I been at Wal-Mart and he was some strange kid, I would have easily put him in his place. Had he been a nurse sticking needles in my kid, I would have easily put him in his place & educated him on the proper vocabulary/terms we use. Had he been a cashier at a grocery store or a TSA employee at Love Field, for instance, I would have marched right up to him & his manager & said something. (Which I've done, by the way.)

But I didn't.

I gave my canned response repeatedly - every time he made a comment - & then I took Will inside to check on dinner. Which I completely burned because I forgot about it while shaking in anger & trying not to cry. "Blackened chicken" I called it when R got home.

Reagan & Will should fire their personal chef - she's far too easily distracted by her emotions.

Part of my struggle is that not only do I feel responsible for educating others about Will's differences & how to behave appropriately, I feel extremely responsible for teaching Will appropriate responses to people's questions & comments. For instance, lately, I've caught several children grabbing his arms & hands to "examine" them. This really bothers me - I want them to hold his hands & not be afraid to touch him so I can't make it a "no no" but, I also don't want them grabbing him or examining him. On the other hand, Will's response is to angrily yell "no" & try to get away - understandable but not really acceptable (the yelling part at least!) So, I'm struggling with how to teach him the appropriate response - & it's not covered in "What to Expect the Toddler Years" or any other book for that matter! Frustrating!
I decided after the Holy Moly instance that even though I don't think Will fully understood the boy's exclamations, he definitely understood ( at least somewhat) the grabbing of Will's hands as Will kept walking away from him. My heart was convicted that I should teach Will to pray for people who make comments about his body so, as I sat him down for his blackened chicken dinner, we prayed for that little boy - & it was HARD. I really struggled praying for him so I quickly prayed. I know it will get harder as Will gets older & can better verbalize a prayer for someone as well as questions about that person. It is really, really, hard to pray for someone who hurts you or your child.

I held it together until R came home & then I cried. It bothered Will so he gave me his sippy cup & engaged me in a game of "get you"... which I obliged in because that makes me really happy! (His laughter- not his sippy cup.)

And, I have not had another Reeses egg, even though I really wanted one.

I cried because I didn't think my canned response was appropriate to the comment.

I cried because I feel so guilty - Will deserves so much better. He deserves a mom who will fight for him & who will have the perfect response in the moment... rather than 20 minutes later.

They are neighbors & so I didn't feel right chastizing him in front of his father & educating him on how to appropriately behave & accept those with differences. But maybe I should have- - oh, the guilt & second guessing- I'm tired of that too!

Mostly, my heart hurts because I know the day is fast approaching that Will will be aware of his differences & other's comments will hurt him. I read this weekend that kids become aware of their differences & verbalize that awareness around age 2. Will is 19 months today - it is coming too fast & I'm not ready.

I don't know how best to respond to hurtful comments in front of Will- I care more about him & his heart than I do others.' I care that he not feel like I am angry or hurt because of him so I try not to show those emotions in front of him. I don't want him to think that "Mommy wouldn't be angry or crying if I wasn't different."

But I just don't know how to respond - & my heart hurts. Sometimes I think I can just not be the mom Will needs. But I am so thankful God gave him to me.

Any ideas are welcome.

And, fyi, I spent some good quality time cuddling with Will this evening so I'm not cranky anymore - it was really just a one day thing, thank goodness for R's sake (& yours!)