From the Mouths of Babes...

Today, I asked Will randomly what he is thankful for today. Without hesitation, he simply said, "God." And this time, he didn't add anything about baseball players & baseball equipment or pirates & their ships. He was just thankful for God.
Boy was I convicted.
When Will decides he is cranky & just needs to have a little tantrum, I often put him in his room and tell him he is free to be unhappy but I don't want to have to hear it. He can rejoin me when he "chooses happy" & puts on his happy face. How often, though, do I not apply that to my own life? Yesterday, after my breakdown the day before about Will's upcoming surgery, God kept slamming truths into me.
Quite honestly, I was a little annoyed. I would have liked to wallow in my self-pity a little bit longer. :) However, He reminded me that just as I don't want to be around Will when he is cranky, others probably don't want to be around me either. Am I allowed to feel sad & even a little self-pity? Sure. But as a friend says, "I can visit pity city but I can't move there." At some point, I have to "choose happy & put on my happy face."
In visiting with a friend yesterday, we discussed my options and my expectations about Will's surgery. She lovingly pointed out that even if we weren't headed to a hospital Christmas week, there was no guarantee that the week would go as I planned - my expectations might not be met- regardless of where I am located! (An excellent point for when I pin my happiness on the expectation of my husband or child or families!) Earlier in the day, during a completely unrelated conversation with someone, the Spirit suddenly convicted me about my own selfishness. I am so thankful that I do not have an older child who would also suffer if we were in the hospital with Will Christmas week. An older child might be more aware of the significance of the week and the traditions and all they were missing out on. An older child would mean that R & I would probably not both be able to be with Will for the entirety of his hospital stay. Because all we have so far is Will, our family can be together. And perhaps, another family with older children is able to have their surgery earlier. Will won't know the difference if he drinks pediasure for Christmas on the 25th & eats yummy Christmas candy on Jan. 5. It's me who has the issue. An older child might know so I am thankful that I don't have that to contend with.
I also have been pondering for several weeks what our family service project would be this fall/winter. Again, while talking to a friend yesterday afternoon, it hit me. Perhaps God is giving me an opportunity to serve those in the hospital with us. No one - not patients or their families or doctors and nurses wants to be in the hospital the week of Christmas. But there is no reason why Will & I can't make the cookies I fantasized about making with him a few days earlier & then deliver them to the other patients & nurses on our floor at the hospital. It's just that this year, instead of dropping off goodies & leaving, we'll be staying there.
God also reminded me that if I adjust my attitude a bit, I might actually develop some great memories... hopefully not traditions!... but memories - of the time we spent Christmas week in the hospital. I'll get to practice creativity along with servanthood as I plan on taking our advent calendar so that Will can still enjoy doing that. I hope that Santa doesn't have to visit Dallas Children's Hospital, (hopefully Will is discharged before 12/25), but if he does, then I get to practice creativity in bringing Christmas there!
My friend and a book I am studying (Andrew Murray's Humility) also slammed me with another truth - self-pity stems from pride. If I want to practice humility, I need to release my pride & selfish thoughts. I am being selfish with my fantasy of what Christmas week would look like for our family. I am not guaranteed anything nor do I deserve anything good - God has chosen to bless me greatly, however. I want to practice thankfulness so for the last 24 hours, He has continually been pricking my heart with all I have to be thankful for. Here are a few things regarding this surgery:

• I am thankful they can fit us in before 2010. For insurance purposes and our family budget, it is better for us to have the surgery this year. The surgery will be at Dallas Children's Hospital and it is astronomical what a pediatric surgery can cost - especially when your child requires multiple specialists for what should be a simple procedure. I remember the first time he had this surgery being amazed at the price- the operating room alone was $100/minute! I am so thankful for insurance - for the fact that my husband works his tail off so that he can maintain a job & we can have insurance & I can stay home. It is better for our family finances to have the surgery in 2009 and so I am thankful - hopefully that will be less stress in 2010.
• I am thankful for a great children's hospital in Dallas - while I wish it wasn't such a drive & that is part of my sadness- my desire not to spend so much of that week on the road- I am thankful we have access to a great pediatric medicial facility in TX and fabulous surgeons/ anestheioslogists/ etc.
• I am thankful for family just a few hours from Dallas who I have no doubt will drop their own crazy holiday plans to come & sit with us in a waiting room & bring food and other things we might need so that we don't have to leave Will's side. I am thankful for an extended family who is loving & accepting of Will & our new "normal." I am thankful for their understanding as our plans may be a bit up in the air this year.
• I am thankful for friends- who will let me cry & who do not minimize my pain. I am also thankful for those same friends who lovingly remind me that while a good cry is healthy, I can't stay forever in pity land. And I am thankful for their practical tips on getting out of it.
• I am thankful for the grace of a good God - who somehow manages to always work things for good in His own way - despite my kicking & screaming & crying as I want things my way. I am thankful for the reminder recently from a friend that God is good, all the time. He is sovereign. I don't have to wrap my brain around that - I simply must accept it as truth.
• Most of all, I am thankful for a precious little boy, who today reminded me what it means to have a thankful heart.