Shopping With Ellie

As soon as I was off my "modified bed rest" my mom, Will, & I took Ellie shopping. R & I had opened the envelope & I feel very strongly that I want my daughter in beautiful, soft pink blankets & gowns - with her name on them, of course.
It was a much needed stress release for me & the chance to pretend I was "normal."

Excuse my tired, sad eyes. I don't realize how old I look until I look in a mirror. My children are rapidly aging me.

It was some much needed stress relief and therapy!

My mom surprised me & snuck back to a store to get something I didn't buy. It's perhaps one of the most beautiful baby gowns I have ever seen.

It's crocheted pink on top & then silk for the gown part with the most feminine, dainty lace at the bottom...

gorgeous as my Ellie Grace

I know she will love it!

Will thinks I look good in pink


My mom also suggested I do some registering - just for fun & to believe I will bring a baby home. It was difficult in some ways - I didn't know how far I could believe. We decided to just pick out clothes in sizes 0-3 months for now. I also stuck to gowns & dresses as these will be best if she requires casting. I eventually just let myself dream. I allowed myself to believe and it felt so good. So normal. I found that I didn't take things for granted like I once did. I looked at the nursing supplies and remembered my 8 1/2 months spent nursing Will - not an easy time as many of you who are my friends may have noticed if you were around at feeding time! Will had several mouth issues which made feeding him so difficult. Yet, I longed to nurse him and so we persevered - with multiple gadgets attached and basically a system that took about 1.5 hours - every single time. I dream of nursing a baby simply. I've watched friends who are able to nurse quickly, while eating lunch or carrying on a conversation. Their babies are content and they seem so peaceful. I long for this. I don't know that I will get that opportunity. The nursing aisle at Target reminded me that there are no guarantees and even something that seems so simple and natural might not be possible for me and Ellie. I mourn that. As I smelled baby shampoos at Target, I remembered bathing Will and I long for the opportunity to bathe my Ellie girl.
At one boutique, when I asked if I could start a registry, the precious woman told me that it might be a bit early for me to choose clothes. And then I explained that my baby is very sick and I don't know how long I will get her in my arms. I further told her that I needed to believe I might get to bring her home someday and that I long to have her in pink gowns and dresses and the finest of fabrics. I don't want my Ellie spending a moment in a flimsy dinosaur covered hospital blanket. I want her name known - & monogrammed on her clothes & blanket. I want her warm & soft as she is placed in my arms or taken to surgery. Bless the woman's heart, she grabbed a clipboard and followed me all over the store as I dreamed and sometimes cried and imagined my Ellie Grace in silks and soft cottons ... all pink, of course. She was so gracious and understanding of my heart's desire and my need to just spend some time away from doctors and dreaming of our future.

I think Ellie might be a shopper too - she moved a little as we left the store!

Ellie & I on our first shopping trip together just for her!